MVP

Kealie has been selected to be "MVP" in her class this week. Part of this entails gathering some items to take to class that have a significance to you. Sort of like a "4th Grade" version of show and tell.

I asked Kealie to get some things together that she wanted to share. She has a mug from Kalahari (our favorite indoor water park!) and also a small part from her telescope that she just got for her birthday. I wouldn't let her take the entire telescope, for obvious reasons! :)

So, I peeked in the bag to see if she put anything else in, and she has some little figurines in there. My dad used to collect these and give them to her. The instructions from school tell the student select items that "have significance". I immediately got teary and gave her a big hug.

Long Time

It has been a long time since I've posted. It's not that I haven't wanted to post, in fact, pretty much every day I think of something I want to share. However, I have been trying to "move on", if those are the correct words. Some days I feel like I should be "moving on" and I thought my intentions for this blog were to allow myself some way of getting through this experience. I thought coming back after it has been almost 4 months would be the wrong thing to do.

I guess I was wrong. Although there are days now that I don't cry over losing him, I feel the pain every day. There are multiple things that happen every day that make me miss him more and more. I guess I thought as time went on, that feeling would start to go away. Rather, the "missing" is getting harder and harder as time goes on. It is almost like I feel that I am "gathering" up information and I'm getting so full of everything I want to tell him, it is getting harder to not be able to talk to him.

Last week I contacted a volunteer at Harmony Hospice to begin volunteer work. I'm extremely busy, so I know I don't have a lot of time. But, I can certainly mail out some papers or help post flyers for them. They want me to get tested for TB and trained so I can work with patients. I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet. Ideally I think it would be a great healing process for me, but I'm stick to the paperwork for now.

I know that about 2 years ago, I met someone at work who had lost his mother. I asked him when she had passed away, and he had said, "6 months ago." I remember thinking that although that had to be hard, I also thought that 6 months should be a good amount of time to grieve and still not feel that "raw" pain. I was so wrong. I feel almost silly on those days I am crying driving to work or those nights I can't sleep because I miss him so much....because I feel like I should have moved on by now. However, those days still come with a frequency I never expected. I was wrong to think that the man at work should have been having an easier time because it had been 6 months. Although some days are easier, and I don't cry every day anymore, there is so much I still feel I need to tell him and so much I wish he could see. This month, both kids received glowing results....Layne is getting tested for the gifted program and Kealie got a letter from the state that she is intellectually advanced. It felt so good....such proud moments for a mom....but all I could do those nights were cry, because he would have been SO PROUD of them. I can just heard his voice saying, "WONDERFUL!" (Anyone remember him saying that when he got good news?)

I am really proud of my mom as well. She is keeping busy for sure, all of her friends and family keep her hopping....but I worry about her, too. I wish I could do more. Sometimes I love that I am a career woman, I love my job and I love the hecticness of it all....but I hate the fact that I am restricted in my time.

I know this was just a hodgepodge of thoughts and random ramblings, but I felt I needed to get it out. Thanks also to those of you who still check in on me.....it means more than you know!

Father's Day

I went to the cemetery today to wish Dad a Happy Father's Day. I went with my Mom, Patty, and Patrick. I am having trouble even conveying into words the emotions I felt today.

I miss my Dad more than I can express. I've been finding comfort in a little brochure I picked up at church. It resounds some of my thoughts so clearly I pick it up to read it quite a few times in a day. One of the quotes that really catches me:

"Just below the surface of our adult facades, there is a little girl or a little boy that wants daddy's recognition or mommy's embrace more than anything else in this world."

That is exactly how I feel....when I think of Dad, I feel like a little girl again. I think of sitting on his lap on the porch and asking him questions about gravity. I remember asking him to make math problems for me in a notebook then beaming when he wrote "A+" at the top. I remember running home to him with my report card, and I remember his tears when I went away to college (all 20 minutes from home).

I knelt in front of his headstone today and I prayed, and I talked to him. I could probably have stayed there for quite some time. I think I'll go back and spend some time alone with him soon.

Right behind him are my Grandmother and Grandfather, my Mom's parents. I visited with them as well. I never knew my Grandfather, he died before I was born. I told my Mom that just about a month ago, they welcomed Dad with open arms and thanked him for taking such good care of her. I reminded her that they are all together now and in a happy place. She stated that even though we pray for them, we really should be asking them to pray for us because we are left on this world now and we need help to get to them when our time comes.

I'm trying to remember that losing my Dad is an event all children must face. I am trying to use it to better recognize those people in my life that I need, to be a better person, and to remember the lessons that Dad taught me along the way. I know I am better because of him, and I know that he is smiling with that hint of a smirk he always carried.

Every Father's Day when presented with his gift, his response was always, "save your money." He dedicated himself to making it better for all of us by going without himself. I took him a flag today and promised him that was his gift this year, along with my prayers.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know you're with family and friends that have passed along the way, and you are watching us and waiting. Another quote from my brochure states that the children who have lost parents, "now move to center stage to leave our mark on the world." Even though I don't feel ready, I know that you have given me the ability and strength to do just that. I'll always be your little girl, and I'll be looking up to you knowing you are there....just as you always have been.

Weekend

Everyone keeps telling me some days will be okay, and others will be tough. It hasn't quite been a month, and this weekend was difficult. Layne's 7th Birthday party was on Saturday, and I was cutting up vegetables, and all of a sudden, it hit me that Dad wouldn't be there. My Mom had a tough time as well, so I knew it was hitting all of us. Layne had a sleepover (the first one for him and his friends), so we were all very tired the next morning. :) I just kept thinking that everything is piling up that I want to tell Dad.

My mom is going to watch the kids Monday and Tuesday since they are done with school, so yesterday, the kids were at Jantzen's Mom and Dad's house, and I went to see my Mom. My sister and her family from Georgia left yesterday morning, so it was the first day my Mom was truly alone. I went to the house, and walking into the house with only her there was like pushing through a barrier. I felt stifled and the grief just washed over me again. Seeing Mom come to the door with tears in her eyes was one of the toughest moments for me so far. We sat down to have coffee and a slice of cake, and we just let it out. We both just cried and cried. I told her how much I never realized that when I called them, there were things I told her, and different things I told him. She told me that he always looked forward to my calls and liked talking to me.

We finished the thank yous and Patty came over and the three of us went to see Uncle Mickey. He is Dad's Uncle and he just turned 93. He lives alone and is just so funny....he had us laughing most of the time. I know he misses Dad. He has his prayer card on his table and a picture of Darlene, Patty, and I on the other. We brought him a picture of Dad and he put it right next to "his girls".

Back at moms, we continued the Thank-Yous and pretty much finished up. I had to go into the bedroom at one point, and I saw his watches on his nightstand. That choked me up. It was such a personal moment and I could feel him there with me.

It was little things, but all very emotional this weekend. I had trouble falling asleep I missed him so much. I know the days will get better, and I know he is at peace. I selfishly wish he was still here.

Departure

I was thinking a lot today about the moment my Dad passed away. My "second family" as I call them, were also present.....Ann, Emory, & Joey Papuga. I was thinking about how hard it must have been to be there when he passed. Besides being extremely emotional, seeing a person die is something that you will never forget. At the funeral home, Ann was telling me how it really shook her, and she told her sister, who I also call Aunt Rose, about it. Aunt Rose responded, "wasn't it just so beautiful?" I really have been thinking about that, and it truly was. To see him suffering, struggling to breathe, not Dad at all....then to be surrounded by his 3 daughters and wife and make the trip to heaven, was something I was so happy I was able to see. Even when his body was carried away, I watched. I thought it would be hard, but I knew it wasn't Dad anymore....that was just the body he used while he was here on this earth. Dad was already smiling and happy to be in the presence of his family, being Dad again. He never wanted to be a burden to us and escaping his earthly body once again gave him the freedom he once had.

Thinking about all of this gave me some thoughts to write. I'll never say I've had any formal writing training other than a couple English classes, but it just felt like it said what I've been thinking about Dad leaving this world and going to the next.

Departure

I watched you depart from this world today,
as I held onto your hand.
You took your last breath to head up above,
to stand before Jesus, the Savior of man.

I cannot begin to describe how I’ll miss
your everyday presence in my life.
Protector, father, advisor of all,
where family came first, daughters, grandchildren and wife.

The Lord above made a special place
for you, called you home with the rain.
Our hearts miss you dearly but our heads know,
you are smiling in heaven without any pain.

So dear Dad, today I tell you good-bye,
until one day I will hold you again.
When we saw you at peace we sent you home,
forever devoted husband, father, brother and friend.

Conversation

I haven't written much this week, getting back to work was a huge deal, and I have been exhausted. I didn't want to wait too long to return, because I knew there would be a lot of work waiting for me, and I also knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. One thing that has been difficult is that my last conversation with my Dad was about a robbery we had in one of my stores. He told me that he hoped they caught the guy that did it, and in his own way, told me he was worried about me. I knew that he worried, although I always told him I could handle myself. :) It's hard to believe he and I had that conversation on Thursday, May 13th, the day before he started his seizures, and then he passed away that Monday, the 17th. At any rate, the police arrested the man charged with the robbery, and I'll never get to tell him. One of the last things he said to me was "I hope they catch him" followed by his usual, "Love you all." I responded, "I do too. Love you too, Dad." Then again, maybe it was Dad that helped them catch him. :)

Work

I had to return to work today, and I am physically and emotionally drained. As I was pulling up to my parent's house after work, I was thinking about something and how I couldn't wait to tell Dad....then I remembered, I couldn't. As I entered their home, I broke down. I wanted my Mom and I held onto her and sobbed. I feel bad that I had to lean on her like that when she is dealing with so much, but it was so difficult seeing people, and answering, "How are you?" while also trying to deal with catching up on a week and a half of stressful work. I know Mom understood and it was so comforting being with her for a few moments. As I said before, she is amazing.

I'll find myself getting caught up in something....a joke, a funny story, work, the kids, anything, and forget for a couple seconds that he's gone. Then I'll remember, and this pain washes over me that makes my chest hurt. I have experienced loss before, of many close family members, beginning when I was really young. I even lost a friend at 29 to cancer. None of that comes close to what I am feeling now, and I feel for anyone who has experienced this loss. The nurse warned me that in the weeks to come I'd have memories of caring for him, and it would wear me down. That happened a lot today, I'd think about certain things, and just cry. When I think about all my Mom did....at 74....I don't know how I'll ever be as strong as she is.

The cards, e-mails, and support has been amazing. I've gotten cards and there are words written inside that just amaze me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you who have been there at any step in this journey.