Father's Day

I went to the cemetery today to wish Dad a Happy Father's Day. I went with my Mom, Patty, and Patrick. I am having trouble even conveying into words the emotions I felt today.

I miss my Dad more than I can express. I've been finding comfort in a little brochure I picked up at church. It resounds some of my thoughts so clearly I pick it up to read it quite a few times in a day. One of the quotes that really catches me:

"Just below the surface of our adult facades, there is a little girl or a little boy that wants daddy's recognition or mommy's embrace more than anything else in this world."

That is exactly how I feel....when I think of Dad, I feel like a little girl again. I think of sitting on his lap on the porch and asking him questions about gravity. I remember asking him to make math problems for me in a notebook then beaming when he wrote "A+" at the top. I remember running home to him with my report card, and I remember his tears when I went away to college (all 20 minutes from home).

I knelt in front of his headstone today and I prayed, and I talked to him. I could probably have stayed there for quite some time. I think I'll go back and spend some time alone with him soon.

Right behind him are my Grandmother and Grandfather, my Mom's parents. I visited with them as well. I never knew my Grandfather, he died before I was born. I told my Mom that just about a month ago, they welcomed Dad with open arms and thanked him for taking such good care of her. I reminded her that they are all together now and in a happy place. She stated that even though we pray for them, we really should be asking them to pray for us because we are left on this world now and we need help to get to them when our time comes.

I'm trying to remember that losing my Dad is an event all children must face. I am trying to use it to better recognize those people in my life that I need, to be a better person, and to remember the lessons that Dad taught me along the way. I know I am better because of him, and I know that he is smiling with that hint of a smirk he always carried.

Every Father's Day when presented with his gift, his response was always, "save your money." He dedicated himself to making it better for all of us by going without himself. I took him a flag today and promised him that was his gift this year, along with my prayers.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know you're with family and friends that have passed along the way, and you are watching us and waiting. Another quote from my brochure states that the children who have lost parents, "now move to center stage to leave our mark on the world." Even though I don't feel ready, I know that you have given me the ability and strength to do just that. I'll always be your little girl, and I'll be looking up to you knowing you are there....just as you always have been.

Weekend

Everyone keeps telling me some days will be okay, and others will be tough. It hasn't quite been a month, and this weekend was difficult. Layne's 7th Birthday party was on Saturday, and I was cutting up vegetables, and all of a sudden, it hit me that Dad wouldn't be there. My Mom had a tough time as well, so I knew it was hitting all of us. Layne had a sleepover (the first one for him and his friends), so we were all very tired the next morning. :) I just kept thinking that everything is piling up that I want to tell Dad.

My mom is going to watch the kids Monday and Tuesday since they are done with school, so yesterday, the kids were at Jantzen's Mom and Dad's house, and I went to see my Mom. My sister and her family from Georgia left yesterday morning, so it was the first day my Mom was truly alone. I went to the house, and walking into the house with only her there was like pushing through a barrier. I felt stifled and the grief just washed over me again. Seeing Mom come to the door with tears in her eyes was one of the toughest moments for me so far. We sat down to have coffee and a slice of cake, and we just let it out. We both just cried and cried. I told her how much I never realized that when I called them, there were things I told her, and different things I told him. She told me that he always looked forward to my calls and liked talking to me.

We finished the thank yous and Patty came over and the three of us went to see Uncle Mickey. He is Dad's Uncle and he just turned 93. He lives alone and is just so funny....he had us laughing most of the time. I know he misses Dad. He has his prayer card on his table and a picture of Darlene, Patty, and I on the other. We brought him a picture of Dad and he put it right next to "his girls".

Back at moms, we continued the Thank-Yous and pretty much finished up. I had to go into the bedroom at one point, and I saw his watches on his nightstand. That choked me up. It was such a personal moment and I could feel him there with me.

It was little things, but all very emotional this weekend. I had trouble falling asleep I missed him so much. I know the days will get better, and I know he is at peace. I selfishly wish he was still here.