Departure

I was thinking a lot today about the moment my Dad passed away. My "second family" as I call them, were also present.....Ann, Emory, & Joey Papuga. I was thinking about how hard it must have been to be there when he passed. Besides being extremely emotional, seeing a person die is something that you will never forget. At the funeral home, Ann was telling me how it really shook her, and she told her sister, who I also call Aunt Rose, about it. Aunt Rose responded, "wasn't it just so beautiful?" I really have been thinking about that, and it truly was. To see him suffering, struggling to breathe, not Dad at all....then to be surrounded by his 3 daughters and wife and make the trip to heaven, was something I was so happy I was able to see. Even when his body was carried away, I watched. I thought it would be hard, but I knew it wasn't Dad anymore....that was just the body he used while he was here on this earth. Dad was already smiling and happy to be in the presence of his family, being Dad again. He never wanted to be a burden to us and escaping his earthly body once again gave him the freedom he once had.

Thinking about all of this gave me some thoughts to write. I'll never say I've had any formal writing training other than a couple English classes, but it just felt like it said what I've been thinking about Dad leaving this world and going to the next.

Departure

I watched you depart from this world today,
as I held onto your hand.
You took your last breath to head up above,
to stand before Jesus, the Savior of man.

I cannot begin to describe how I’ll miss
your everyday presence in my life.
Protector, father, advisor of all,
where family came first, daughters, grandchildren and wife.

The Lord above made a special place
for you, called you home with the rain.
Our hearts miss you dearly but our heads know,
you are smiling in heaven without any pain.

So dear Dad, today I tell you good-bye,
until one day I will hold you again.
When we saw you at peace we sent you home,
forever devoted husband, father, brother and friend.

Conversation

I haven't written much this week, getting back to work was a huge deal, and I have been exhausted. I didn't want to wait too long to return, because I knew there would be a lot of work waiting for me, and I also knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. One thing that has been difficult is that my last conversation with my Dad was about a robbery we had in one of my stores. He told me that he hoped they caught the guy that did it, and in his own way, told me he was worried about me. I knew that he worried, although I always told him I could handle myself. :) It's hard to believe he and I had that conversation on Thursday, May 13th, the day before he started his seizures, and then he passed away that Monday, the 17th. At any rate, the police arrested the man charged with the robbery, and I'll never get to tell him. One of the last things he said to me was "I hope they catch him" followed by his usual, "Love you all." I responded, "I do too. Love you too, Dad." Then again, maybe it was Dad that helped them catch him. :)

Work

I had to return to work today, and I am physically and emotionally drained. As I was pulling up to my parent's house after work, I was thinking about something and how I couldn't wait to tell Dad....then I remembered, I couldn't. As I entered their home, I broke down. I wanted my Mom and I held onto her and sobbed. I feel bad that I had to lean on her like that when she is dealing with so much, but it was so difficult seeing people, and answering, "How are you?" while also trying to deal with catching up on a week and a half of stressful work. I know Mom understood and it was so comforting being with her for a few moments. As I said before, she is amazing.

I'll find myself getting caught up in something....a joke, a funny story, work, the kids, anything, and forget for a couple seconds that he's gone. Then I'll remember, and this pain washes over me that makes my chest hurt. I have experienced loss before, of many close family members, beginning when I was really young. I even lost a friend at 29 to cancer. None of that comes close to what I am feeling now, and I feel for anyone who has experienced this loss. The nurse warned me that in the weeks to come I'd have memories of caring for him, and it would wear me down. That happened a lot today, I'd think about certain things, and just cry. When I think about all my Mom did....at 74....I don't know how I'll ever be as strong as she is.

The cards, e-mails, and support has been amazing. I've gotten cards and there are words written inside that just amaze me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you who have been there at any step in this journey.

Rain

"Blessed are the dead the rain falls upon, blessed be the bride the sun shines upon."

The funeral director told us this yesterday as we got out of the limo. It had been raining off and on all day, but it was pouring when we reached the cemetery. He said he knew it was going to rain because we had such a special family and were such good people, we deserved to have it rain for him.

Father Nick did a beautiful service, his homily couldn't have described Dad any better. He remembered everything we had ever mentioned about Dad, down to his ongoing battle with the squirrels in the backyard, his practical jokes on the neighbors, and his love for his family.

There were 3 active duty Army men there, they saluted Dad and Mom and did a beautiful flag ceremony, and Taps was played. It was one of the most touching moments I've ever experienced. They presented Mom with the flag and saluted her when she left.

At the wake, which we had at the Thompson Club, Uncle Larry read something my cousin Doug had sent. He couldn't make it because he is from Seattle and his wife can't travel. Doug's tribute said it all perfectly, down to the fact that if there ever was a Slovak Leprechaun, it would have been Uncle Joe. :)

Happy got up and told some equally touching anecdotes...some funny, but all from the heart. For those of you who were there, "Uncle Jimmy" even got up and said something....cock a doodle doo? For those of you who weren't there, "Uncle Jimmy" was a funeral crasher and we have stories that are too long to tell here....let's just say it was appropriate that it happened at my Dad's wake.

It was a beautiful day, and I miss him so much.

Funeral

It is Saturday, and just about time to leave for Dad's funeral. It was so hard telling him good-bye last night. I was dreading 9 pm arriving because I knew it would be time to leave.

It is raining today, and I kept telling Dad during his last days that all the rain was God making room for him in heaven, since God needed lots of room. :) My dad was tiny, but such a presence. I think the rain is appropriate.

I have to make this one short but I want to once again thank everyone for their kind comments and all of their support. It means so much to my sisters and I, and especially my mom. She is amazing, and I couldn't have asked for two better parents.

Friday

I can't believe it is Friday already. We made it through Thursday. Jantzen and the kids waited outside while my mom and sisters, older grandkids, and his siblings went in to see him. I said my usual, "Hi Dad!" as I did everytime I called him or saw him.

Jantzen brought the kids in after the adults had time to adjust. They did well. They cried, but they had lots of distractions. I am proud of them. I know what it feels like to lose your grandparent at a young age and it is tough, but they handled themselves well. When they were getting their pajamas on last night, Layne had a prayer card in his pocket. He took it out and started to cry. He holds it all in then something strikes him and he needs to let it out.

Seeing him was like a wave of relief washed over me. In his last days, he wasn't Dad anymore....pale, struggling to breathe, feverish.....and now, he is Dad. He has just the hint of a smirk and he looks like he did before he was diagnosed. Paul at the funeral home couldn't have done a better job. It was such a good feeling to see him well again. My Aunt Eleanor saw me yesterday and told me "He's in a better place." After seeing him, I know that to be true.

The flowers were overwhelming. I know I keep using that work but I don't know what other word to use....even the funeral home commented on how many we received. Mom and Dad were so well liked....a true testament to them and their lives.

When we were leaving I told him good night and that I'd see him tomorrow.

Viewing

I am getting ready for the viewing. I am so happy I am going to get to see him but on the other hand I am dreading Saturday when I will never see him again. I miss him so much. I knew losing him was going to be hard, but I never imagined the grief I would be experiencing.

The support of family and friends has been overwhelming. Their support and generosity and giving of themselves has meant so much to all of us.

I find myself talking to him. I ran to the mall to pick up something for mom, and when I walked outside, it was sunny. I looked up and said, "Hi Dad. Are you taking care of things up there?" A passerby probably thought I was crazy but it is how I deal. I've been talking to him a lot since Monday.

I will see him in about 4 hours. I am so lucky to have so much support around me. Dad would be yelling at everyone for causing such a fuss. :)