MVP

Kealie has been selected to be "MVP" in her class this week. Part of this entails gathering some items to take to class that have a significance to you. Sort of like a "4th Grade" version of show and tell.

I asked Kealie to get some things together that she wanted to share. She has a mug from Kalahari (our favorite indoor water park!) and also a small part from her telescope that she just got for her birthday. I wouldn't let her take the entire telescope, for obvious reasons! :)

So, I peeked in the bag to see if she put anything else in, and she has some little figurines in there. My dad used to collect these and give them to her. The instructions from school tell the student select items that "have significance". I immediately got teary and gave her a big hug.

Long Time

It has been a long time since I've posted. It's not that I haven't wanted to post, in fact, pretty much every day I think of something I want to share. However, I have been trying to "move on", if those are the correct words. Some days I feel like I should be "moving on" and I thought my intentions for this blog were to allow myself some way of getting through this experience. I thought coming back after it has been almost 4 months would be the wrong thing to do.

I guess I was wrong. Although there are days now that I don't cry over losing him, I feel the pain every day. There are multiple things that happen every day that make me miss him more and more. I guess I thought as time went on, that feeling would start to go away. Rather, the "missing" is getting harder and harder as time goes on. It is almost like I feel that I am "gathering" up information and I'm getting so full of everything I want to tell him, it is getting harder to not be able to talk to him.

Last week I contacted a volunteer at Harmony Hospice to begin volunteer work. I'm extremely busy, so I know I don't have a lot of time. But, I can certainly mail out some papers or help post flyers for them. They want me to get tested for TB and trained so I can work with patients. I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet. Ideally I think it would be a great healing process for me, but I'm stick to the paperwork for now.

I know that about 2 years ago, I met someone at work who had lost his mother. I asked him when she had passed away, and he had said, "6 months ago." I remember thinking that although that had to be hard, I also thought that 6 months should be a good amount of time to grieve and still not feel that "raw" pain. I was so wrong. I feel almost silly on those days I am crying driving to work or those nights I can't sleep because I miss him so much....because I feel like I should have moved on by now. However, those days still come with a frequency I never expected. I was wrong to think that the man at work should have been having an easier time because it had been 6 months. Although some days are easier, and I don't cry every day anymore, there is so much I still feel I need to tell him and so much I wish he could see. This month, both kids received glowing results....Layne is getting tested for the gifted program and Kealie got a letter from the state that she is intellectually advanced. It felt so good....such proud moments for a mom....but all I could do those nights were cry, because he would have been SO PROUD of them. I can just heard his voice saying, "WONDERFUL!" (Anyone remember him saying that when he got good news?)

I am really proud of my mom as well. She is keeping busy for sure, all of her friends and family keep her hopping....but I worry about her, too. I wish I could do more. Sometimes I love that I am a career woman, I love my job and I love the hecticness of it all....but I hate the fact that I am restricted in my time.

I know this was just a hodgepodge of thoughts and random ramblings, but I felt I needed to get it out. Thanks also to those of you who still check in on me.....it means more than you know!

Father's Day

I went to the cemetery today to wish Dad a Happy Father's Day. I went with my Mom, Patty, and Patrick. I am having trouble even conveying into words the emotions I felt today.

I miss my Dad more than I can express. I've been finding comfort in a little brochure I picked up at church. It resounds some of my thoughts so clearly I pick it up to read it quite a few times in a day. One of the quotes that really catches me:

"Just below the surface of our adult facades, there is a little girl or a little boy that wants daddy's recognition or mommy's embrace more than anything else in this world."

That is exactly how I feel....when I think of Dad, I feel like a little girl again. I think of sitting on his lap on the porch and asking him questions about gravity. I remember asking him to make math problems for me in a notebook then beaming when he wrote "A+" at the top. I remember running home to him with my report card, and I remember his tears when I went away to college (all 20 minutes from home).

I knelt in front of his headstone today and I prayed, and I talked to him. I could probably have stayed there for quite some time. I think I'll go back and spend some time alone with him soon.

Right behind him are my Grandmother and Grandfather, my Mom's parents. I visited with them as well. I never knew my Grandfather, he died before I was born. I told my Mom that just about a month ago, they welcomed Dad with open arms and thanked him for taking such good care of her. I reminded her that they are all together now and in a happy place. She stated that even though we pray for them, we really should be asking them to pray for us because we are left on this world now and we need help to get to them when our time comes.

I'm trying to remember that losing my Dad is an event all children must face. I am trying to use it to better recognize those people in my life that I need, to be a better person, and to remember the lessons that Dad taught me along the way. I know I am better because of him, and I know that he is smiling with that hint of a smirk he always carried.

Every Father's Day when presented with his gift, his response was always, "save your money." He dedicated himself to making it better for all of us by going without himself. I took him a flag today and promised him that was his gift this year, along with my prayers.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know you're with family and friends that have passed along the way, and you are watching us and waiting. Another quote from my brochure states that the children who have lost parents, "now move to center stage to leave our mark on the world." Even though I don't feel ready, I know that you have given me the ability and strength to do just that. I'll always be your little girl, and I'll be looking up to you knowing you are there....just as you always have been.

Weekend

Everyone keeps telling me some days will be okay, and others will be tough. It hasn't quite been a month, and this weekend was difficult. Layne's 7th Birthday party was on Saturday, and I was cutting up vegetables, and all of a sudden, it hit me that Dad wouldn't be there. My Mom had a tough time as well, so I knew it was hitting all of us. Layne had a sleepover (the first one for him and his friends), so we were all very tired the next morning. :) I just kept thinking that everything is piling up that I want to tell Dad.

My mom is going to watch the kids Monday and Tuesday since they are done with school, so yesterday, the kids were at Jantzen's Mom and Dad's house, and I went to see my Mom. My sister and her family from Georgia left yesterday morning, so it was the first day my Mom was truly alone. I went to the house, and walking into the house with only her there was like pushing through a barrier. I felt stifled and the grief just washed over me again. Seeing Mom come to the door with tears in her eyes was one of the toughest moments for me so far. We sat down to have coffee and a slice of cake, and we just let it out. We both just cried and cried. I told her how much I never realized that when I called them, there were things I told her, and different things I told him. She told me that he always looked forward to my calls and liked talking to me.

We finished the thank yous and Patty came over and the three of us went to see Uncle Mickey. He is Dad's Uncle and he just turned 93. He lives alone and is just so funny....he had us laughing most of the time. I know he misses Dad. He has his prayer card on his table and a picture of Darlene, Patty, and I on the other. We brought him a picture of Dad and he put it right next to "his girls".

Back at moms, we continued the Thank-Yous and pretty much finished up. I had to go into the bedroom at one point, and I saw his watches on his nightstand. That choked me up. It was such a personal moment and I could feel him there with me.

It was little things, but all very emotional this weekend. I had trouble falling asleep I missed him so much. I know the days will get better, and I know he is at peace. I selfishly wish he was still here.

Departure

I was thinking a lot today about the moment my Dad passed away. My "second family" as I call them, were also present.....Ann, Emory, & Joey Papuga. I was thinking about how hard it must have been to be there when he passed. Besides being extremely emotional, seeing a person die is something that you will never forget. At the funeral home, Ann was telling me how it really shook her, and she told her sister, who I also call Aunt Rose, about it. Aunt Rose responded, "wasn't it just so beautiful?" I really have been thinking about that, and it truly was. To see him suffering, struggling to breathe, not Dad at all....then to be surrounded by his 3 daughters and wife and make the trip to heaven, was something I was so happy I was able to see. Even when his body was carried away, I watched. I thought it would be hard, but I knew it wasn't Dad anymore....that was just the body he used while he was here on this earth. Dad was already smiling and happy to be in the presence of his family, being Dad again. He never wanted to be a burden to us and escaping his earthly body once again gave him the freedom he once had.

Thinking about all of this gave me some thoughts to write. I'll never say I've had any formal writing training other than a couple English classes, but it just felt like it said what I've been thinking about Dad leaving this world and going to the next.

Departure

I watched you depart from this world today,
as I held onto your hand.
You took your last breath to head up above,
to stand before Jesus, the Savior of man.

I cannot begin to describe how I’ll miss
your everyday presence in my life.
Protector, father, advisor of all,
where family came first, daughters, grandchildren and wife.

The Lord above made a special place
for you, called you home with the rain.
Our hearts miss you dearly but our heads know,
you are smiling in heaven without any pain.

So dear Dad, today I tell you good-bye,
until one day I will hold you again.
When we saw you at peace we sent you home,
forever devoted husband, father, brother and friend.

Conversation

I haven't written much this week, getting back to work was a huge deal, and I have been exhausted. I didn't want to wait too long to return, because I knew there would be a lot of work waiting for me, and I also knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. One thing that has been difficult is that my last conversation with my Dad was about a robbery we had in one of my stores. He told me that he hoped they caught the guy that did it, and in his own way, told me he was worried about me. I knew that he worried, although I always told him I could handle myself. :) It's hard to believe he and I had that conversation on Thursday, May 13th, the day before he started his seizures, and then he passed away that Monday, the 17th. At any rate, the police arrested the man charged with the robbery, and I'll never get to tell him. One of the last things he said to me was "I hope they catch him" followed by his usual, "Love you all." I responded, "I do too. Love you too, Dad." Then again, maybe it was Dad that helped them catch him. :)

Work

I had to return to work today, and I am physically and emotionally drained. As I was pulling up to my parent's house after work, I was thinking about something and how I couldn't wait to tell Dad....then I remembered, I couldn't. As I entered their home, I broke down. I wanted my Mom and I held onto her and sobbed. I feel bad that I had to lean on her like that when she is dealing with so much, but it was so difficult seeing people, and answering, "How are you?" while also trying to deal with catching up on a week and a half of stressful work. I know Mom understood and it was so comforting being with her for a few moments. As I said before, she is amazing.

I'll find myself getting caught up in something....a joke, a funny story, work, the kids, anything, and forget for a couple seconds that he's gone. Then I'll remember, and this pain washes over me that makes my chest hurt. I have experienced loss before, of many close family members, beginning when I was really young. I even lost a friend at 29 to cancer. None of that comes close to what I am feeling now, and I feel for anyone who has experienced this loss. The nurse warned me that in the weeks to come I'd have memories of caring for him, and it would wear me down. That happened a lot today, I'd think about certain things, and just cry. When I think about all my Mom did....at 74....I don't know how I'll ever be as strong as she is.

The cards, e-mails, and support has been amazing. I've gotten cards and there are words written inside that just amaze me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you who have been there at any step in this journey.

Rain

"Blessed are the dead the rain falls upon, blessed be the bride the sun shines upon."

The funeral director told us this yesterday as we got out of the limo. It had been raining off and on all day, but it was pouring when we reached the cemetery. He said he knew it was going to rain because we had such a special family and were such good people, we deserved to have it rain for him.

Father Nick did a beautiful service, his homily couldn't have described Dad any better. He remembered everything we had ever mentioned about Dad, down to his ongoing battle with the squirrels in the backyard, his practical jokes on the neighbors, and his love for his family.

There were 3 active duty Army men there, they saluted Dad and Mom and did a beautiful flag ceremony, and Taps was played. It was one of the most touching moments I've ever experienced. They presented Mom with the flag and saluted her when she left.

At the wake, which we had at the Thompson Club, Uncle Larry read something my cousin Doug had sent. He couldn't make it because he is from Seattle and his wife can't travel. Doug's tribute said it all perfectly, down to the fact that if there ever was a Slovak Leprechaun, it would have been Uncle Joe. :)

Happy got up and told some equally touching anecdotes...some funny, but all from the heart. For those of you who were there, "Uncle Jimmy" even got up and said something....cock a doodle doo? For those of you who weren't there, "Uncle Jimmy" was a funeral crasher and we have stories that are too long to tell here....let's just say it was appropriate that it happened at my Dad's wake.

It was a beautiful day, and I miss him so much.

Funeral

It is Saturday, and just about time to leave for Dad's funeral. It was so hard telling him good-bye last night. I was dreading 9 pm arriving because I knew it would be time to leave.

It is raining today, and I kept telling Dad during his last days that all the rain was God making room for him in heaven, since God needed lots of room. :) My dad was tiny, but such a presence. I think the rain is appropriate.

I have to make this one short but I want to once again thank everyone for their kind comments and all of their support. It means so much to my sisters and I, and especially my mom. She is amazing, and I couldn't have asked for two better parents.

Friday

I can't believe it is Friday already. We made it through Thursday. Jantzen and the kids waited outside while my mom and sisters, older grandkids, and his siblings went in to see him. I said my usual, "Hi Dad!" as I did everytime I called him or saw him.

Jantzen brought the kids in after the adults had time to adjust. They did well. They cried, but they had lots of distractions. I am proud of them. I know what it feels like to lose your grandparent at a young age and it is tough, but they handled themselves well. When they were getting their pajamas on last night, Layne had a prayer card in his pocket. He took it out and started to cry. He holds it all in then something strikes him and he needs to let it out.

Seeing him was like a wave of relief washed over me. In his last days, he wasn't Dad anymore....pale, struggling to breathe, feverish.....and now, he is Dad. He has just the hint of a smirk and he looks like he did before he was diagnosed. Paul at the funeral home couldn't have done a better job. It was such a good feeling to see him well again. My Aunt Eleanor saw me yesterday and told me "He's in a better place." After seeing him, I know that to be true.

The flowers were overwhelming. I know I keep using that work but I don't know what other word to use....even the funeral home commented on how many we received. Mom and Dad were so well liked....a true testament to them and their lives.

When we were leaving I told him good night and that I'd see him tomorrow.

Viewing

I am getting ready for the viewing. I am so happy I am going to get to see him but on the other hand I am dreading Saturday when I will never see him again. I miss him so much. I knew losing him was going to be hard, but I never imagined the grief I would be experiencing.

The support of family and friends has been overwhelming. Their support and generosity and giving of themselves has meant so much to all of us.

I find myself talking to him. I ran to the mall to pick up something for mom, and when I walked outside, it was sunny. I looked up and said, "Hi Dad. Are you taking care of things up there?" A passerby probably thought I was crazy but it is how I deal. I've been talking to him a lot since Monday.

I will see him in about 4 hours. I am so lucky to have so much support around me. Dad would be yelling at everyone for causing such a fuss. :)

First Day Without Him

This was my first day without my dad. It was one of the most difficult days of my life. We made the arrangements and pretty much kept busy all day, but the sense of grief is overwhelming. I have had sympathy for people who have lost their parents, but until I lost my dad, I never really knew the sense of loss. It really makes me feel for those who have lost a parent or both parents.

Trying to plan his viewing and funeral took a lot out of me. I've been trying to be so strong, and today I just couldn't. I think I cried the most today than I have this entire journey. It was a different type of cry than I have ever experienced. I know I was the baby of the family, and in some regards I was so lucky....I have nephews and a niece on my side who are all now just wonderful adults, and a new niece-in-law (is that a word?) and a great-niece that I will get to meet tomorrow. :) My sisters commented that I got to spend a "different" type of time with my dad than they did....but there are moments that I am jealous that they got more years in with him than I did. My kids won't remember him as much, and he won't get to see a lot of things I wanted him here for....Layne's First Communion next year, eventually their graduations, and all of those important times. I feel such a sense of extreme loss I just about don't know how to handle it at moments.

I have learned a lot about my dad and my entire family on this journey, and for that I am thankful. My dad and I may have had our differences, but he always put his family first. His primary care phyisican called the house today and I answered. "Lauren?" the voice on the other end said, "this is Dr. Beck." How he knew it was me I have no idea, because I never met the man. However, he stated, "I am calling to express my condolences to you and your entire family. Your father was a joy to have as a patient. He was always telling jokes and laughing and he had a positive attitude right until the end. It was a pleasure having hin as my patient."

I continue to be overwelmed at the blessings my parents have given this family....just by being who they are.

Arrangements

Joseph L. Vavrek
Viewing:
Thursday 5/20 6-9
Friday 5/21 2-4 and 6-9
Savolskis-Wasik-Glenn Funeral Home
3501 Main Street
Munhall, PA 15120-3260
(412) 462-2288

Funeral Mass:
St. Therese of Lisieux Roman Catholic Church
Saturday 5/22 9:30 am
3 Saint Therese Court
Munhall, PA 15120-3701
(412) 462-8161

Plans

The hospice nurse and pronounced him at 9:08 pm so that is the official time of death. Heather, the nurse was so sweet and stayed the entire time. Then the funeral home directors came and we talked tentative plans and then they took his body away. We said that wasn't really him and that was just his body and he was already watching us from above.

We are going to Savolskis Funeral Home in Munhall, PA and then to St. Therese of Lisieux in Munhall as well for the funeral. We are hoping to have the wake at the Thompson Club, but we are waiting for a return call tomorrow morning.

We think we are going to have the viewing Thursday and Friday and the funeral Saturday. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks again for all of prayers and thoughts...it means so much.

God's Plan

My dad passed today, about 7:44 pm. He waited until we were all here, and he went to peacefully. His breathing slowed down, and he took his last breath while I was holding his hand. We were all here. We love him so much. It rained today, God had to make room in heaven for him, because God will have his hand's full. :) My dad was always worried about everyone else, even until the end. We love you.

Dog Tags

We were going through his Army papers, and when we were finished, we didn't know his dog tags were in there, and they fell out. My mom, Patty and I just cried and cried. It was very emotional to see them.

The nurse was here and he installed a catheter. The nurse said his bladder is full and he will be more comfortable this way. Anything to make him more comfortable is better.

Last night, I called home and Kealie answered and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that daddy told her about grandpap. Yesterday, Layne had a Cub Scout picnic from 3-7 pm and afterwards, the three of them went to Giant Eagle. Well, Kealie saw the flowers and said she wanted to buy flowers for Grandpap. Jantzen let her buy them, but when she kept asking why she couldn't take them to him, he told her about his state. So, Kealie was very upset and asked if he could move anything....she went through all the body parts....arms, legs, hands, etc. etc. Then when her and I were talking, she said she wanted to tell him something. I had to tell her that she could talk to him, but he wasn't going to talk back. Whatever she had to tell him, she did, then she felt better. When I got back on she was more relaxed.

I e-mailed their teachers this morning and their principal so they were aware, because Jantzen said Kealie was again worked up this morning.

I'm going to try and stop home tonight and try and see them for a little bit.

Another day...

We made it through the night to another day. The atropine was restarted as he was still having gurgling in his chest. There was an issue with his last dexamethasone dose, so the nurse said to skip the dose last night. That is the biggest amount that he gets, 2 mL, and he choked on it yesterday. Darlene and I were with him, and it was awful seeing him go through that. It shook me to the core. She said to wait until the nurse gets here this morning to give it, but he was due again and being it was 2 hours later, I decided to give it, very slowly. It worked much better this time.

We had another issue overnight when we tried to move him and he choked again. Right now he is lying sort of to the right side, but he must be comfortable that way, because he didn't like being moved.

Now, the nurse said he may not make it to the morning, but he did make it through to another day. I knew that he was a fighter and wouldn't go right away, and last longer than usual, as expected. He is stubborn that way. :)

Pictures

The nurse was here, and we discontinued the atropine, as it wasn't really helping with his secretions anyway. That was given every hour, so she said it will take some of the pressure off of us in that regard. We did up his morphine to keep him comfortable.

When Chris, the nurse, walked in, she looked at me and said, "you have bags under your eyes, were you up all night? You need to get some rest." Then she asked if I was the baby, and I said yes. Darlene, Patty, my mom and Chris were all gathered around my dad. Chris asked if I was spoiled and Darlene and Patty both responded with a resounding "YES!" I laughed, because I never thought that I was but they seem to think I was. :) They talked about how much he bragged about me and always introduced me as "Dr. Lauren." We talked about how much he loved his girls and had his space downstairs in his basement. We talked about his 7 grandchildren and his 1 great-granddaughter. We again commented how he gets a free pass into heaven for raising 3 girls.

The nurse said he'd probably pass by tomorrow morning. His color is starting to change and the fluid is starting to move into his lungs. She told us how her sister in law died at 35 from melanoma. Everyone thinks it is "just skin cancer"....but it is one of the deadliest cancers, because once it hits other organs, there is very little that can be done.

Patrick showed me some pictures he has of my dad and we laughed and we cried. He doesn't want to be this way, he wants to go with dignity. It is time for him to finally rest after a long, hard battle. He will be with his mom and dad again, who I know he misses, and someday we will all be together again.

Nurse

Thank God for the hospice nurses. I had to call last night because we couldn't get his fever down. We luckily were able to double his dose of the naproxen and we got it down to 101.5.

He's on morphine now about every 4 hours, but he is now not awake. So for the last dose, (we can give it every 4-6 hours) we decided to wait, but after I have him his phenytoin suppository he did wake up for a minute and seemed agitated, so I gave him another dose. He is such a fighter. I am worried about those who haven't seen him from last night to today, though. He was pretty much "asleep" most of the night, and is unresponsive now. His breathing is still very gurgled, and at times it stops for a few seconds.

Fever

I have some moments until I need to recheck his temperature so I didn't know what to do other than update. He is completely out of it now, which is probably a blessing. He's had 2 doses of morphine and I just pray he isn't in any pain.

We can't seem to get his fever down....it is up to 104.3 last check. The pharmacy delivered naproxen cream earlier when I was out and Patty applied it to his wrists. That seemed like it was getting the fever down a bit, but the nurse said to go ahead and give up to 2 more Tylenol doses if needed. We gave one, and I just inserted the second. He was 104.3 before the Tylenol so I hope it helps some. I'm going to wait a few minutes and see.

We slept from 10:30 to 11:30, up for meds, 11:30 to 12:30, up for more, and I feel guilty for being tired. My mother hasn't been to bed since she woke up Friday morning. We can't convince her to do so, and I don't know that I can blame her, although I worry about her too. In reality, she's probably the strongest of us all.