First Day Without Him

This was my first day without my dad. It was one of the most difficult days of my life. We made the arrangements and pretty much kept busy all day, but the sense of grief is overwhelming. I have had sympathy for people who have lost their parents, but until I lost my dad, I never really knew the sense of loss. It really makes me feel for those who have lost a parent or both parents.

Trying to plan his viewing and funeral took a lot out of me. I've been trying to be so strong, and today I just couldn't. I think I cried the most today than I have this entire journey. It was a different type of cry than I have ever experienced. I know I was the baby of the family, and in some regards I was so lucky....I have nephews and a niece on my side who are all now just wonderful adults, and a new niece-in-law (is that a word?) and a great-niece that I will get to meet tomorrow. :) My sisters commented that I got to spend a "different" type of time with my dad than they did....but there are moments that I am jealous that they got more years in with him than I did. My kids won't remember him as much, and he won't get to see a lot of things I wanted him here for....Layne's First Communion next year, eventually their graduations, and all of those important times. I feel such a sense of extreme loss I just about don't know how to handle it at moments.

I have learned a lot about my dad and my entire family on this journey, and for that I am thankful. My dad and I may have had our differences, but he always put his family first. His primary care phyisican called the house today and I answered. "Lauren?" the voice on the other end said, "this is Dr. Beck." How he knew it was me I have no idea, because I never met the man. However, he stated, "I am calling to express my condolences to you and your entire family. Your father was a joy to have as a patient. He was always telling jokes and laughing and he had a positive attitude right until the end. It was a pleasure having hin as my patient."

I continue to be overwelmed at the blessings my parents have given this family....just by being who they are.