Time

When the hospice nurse visited today, she told us to expect maybe 1-2 more days. As much as I hate to think about him no longer being here, it is awful seeing him this way. He is so unhappy and he never wanted this. He never wanted to be in a hospital bed with no way to take care of himself. He was a perfectionist that wanted everything done his way.

His medications are atropine (to decrease secretions), lorazepam (for anxiety/seizures), acetaminophen (for his fever), naproxen (for pain/fever), dexamethasone (for swelling), phenytoin (for seizures), scopolamine (for fever) and he just received his first dose of morphine. I left for a bit to get a change of clothes and wish Jantzen a Happy Anniversary. It is our 11th Anniversary today. I remember dancing the Father-Daughter dance with him to "Through the Years"...he may have been difficult to deal with, but he always cared about his family and did without so we could have more. When I returned, he was very agitated and we couldn't tell what was really bothering him. After we tended to him, we noticed his toes/feet seemed to be cramping up. I called the hospice nurse and she instructed me to give him a dose of morphine and call if that doesn't seem to calm him. I'm also going to give him a higher lorazepam dosage when he is due next. He is allowed a range and has been okay on the lower dose but I think it is time to up it.

I know time is running out. There are moments I am calm and other moments I feel like a child....I feel like I've been cheated out of some time. I know some people consider him "of age" to be ready to go...and no one is going to say "he was young", but he was so healthy before all of this, he put a lot of people half his age to shame.