Long Time

It has been a long time since I've posted. It's not that I haven't wanted to post, in fact, pretty much every day I think of something I want to share. However, I have been trying to "move on", if those are the correct words. Some days I feel like I should be "moving on" and I thought my intentions for this blog were to allow myself some way of getting through this experience. I thought coming back after it has been almost 4 months would be the wrong thing to do.

I guess I was wrong. Although there are days now that I don't cry over losing him, I feel the pain every day. There are multiple things that happen every day that make me miss him more and more. I guess I thought as time went on, that feeling would start to go away. Rather, the "missing" is getting harder and harder as time goes on. It is almost like I feel that I am "gathering" up information and I'm getting so full of everything I want to tell him, it is getting harder to not be able to talk to him.

Last week I contacted a volunteer at Harmony Hospice to begin volunteer work. I'm extremely busy, so I know I don't have a lot of time. But, I can certainly mail out some papers or help post flyers for them. They want me to get tested for TB and trained so I can work with patients. I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet. Ideally I think it would be a great healing process for me, but I'm stick to the paperwork for now.

I know that about 2 years ago, I met someone at work who had lost his mother. I asked him when she had passed away, and he had said, "6 months ago." I remember thinking that although that had to be hard, I also thought that 6 months should be a good amount of time to grieve and still not feel that "raw" pain. I was so wrong. I feel almost silly on those days I am crying driving to work or those nights I can't sleep because I miss him so much....because I feel like I should have moved on by now. However, those days still come with a frequency I never expected. I was wrong to think that the man at work should have been having an easier time because it had been 6 months. Although some days are easier, and I don't cry every day anymore, there is so much I still feel I need to tell him and so much I wish he could see. This month, both kids received glowing results....Layne is getting tested for the gifted program and Kealie got a letter from the state that she is intellectually advanced. It felt so good....such proud moments for a mom....but all I could do those nights were cry, because he would have been SO PROUD of them. I can just heard his voice saying, "WONDERFUL!" (Anyone remember him saying that when he got good news?)

I am really proud of my mom as well. She is keeping busy for sure, all of her friends and family keep her hopping....but I worry about her, too. I wish I could do more. Sometimes I love that I am a career woman, I love my job and I love the hecticness of it all....but I hate the fact that I am restricted in my time.

I know this was just a hodgepodge of thoughts and random ramblings, but I felt I needed to get it out. Thanks also to those of you who still check in on me.....it means more than you know!