MVP

Kealie has been selected to be "MVP" in her class this week. Part of this entails gathering some items to take to class that have a significance to you. Sort of like a "4th Grade" version of show and tell.

I asked Kealie to get some things together that she wanted to share. She has a mug from Kalahari (our favorite indoor water park!) and also a small part from her telescope that she just got for her birthday. I wouldn't let her take the entire telescope, for obvious reasons! :)

So, I peeked in the bag to see if she put anything else in, and she has some little figurines in there. My dad used to collect these and give them to her. The instructions from school tell the student select items that "have significance". I immediately got teary and gave her a big hug.

Long Time

It has been a long time since I've posted. It's not that I haven't wanted to post, in fact, pretty much every day I think of something I want to share. However, I have been trying to "move on", if those are the correct words. Some days I feel like I should be "moving on" and I thought my intentions for this blog were to allow myself some way of getting through this experience. I thought coming back after it has been almost 4 months would be the wrong thing to do.

I guess I was wrong. Although there are days now that I don't cry over losing him, I feel the pain every day. There are multiple things that happen every day that make me miss him more and more. I guess I thought as time went on, that feeling would start to go away. Rather, the "missing" is getting harder and harder as time goes on. It is almost like I feel that I am "gathering" up information and I'm getting so full of everything I want to tell him, it is getting harder to not be able to talk to him.

Last week I contacted a volunteer at Harmony Hospice to begin volunteer work. I'm extremely busy, so I know I don't have a lot of time. But, I can certainly mail out some papers or help post flyers for them. They want me to get tested for TB and trained so I can work with patients. I'm not sure I'm ready for that quite yet. Ideally I think it would be a great healing process for me, but I'm stick to the paperwork for now.

I know that about 2 years ago, I met someone at work who had lost his mother. I asked him when she had passed away, and he had said, "6 months ago." I remember thinking that although that had to be hard, I also thought that 6 months should be a good amount of time to grieve and still not feel that "raw" pain. I was so wrong. I feel almost silly on those days I am crying driving to work or those nights I can't sleep because I miss him so much....because I feel like I should have moved on by now. However, those days still come with a frequency I never expected. I was wrong to think that the man at work should have been having an easier time because it had been 6 months. Although some days are easier, and I don't cry every day anymore, there is so much I still feel I need to tell him and so much I wish he could see. This month, both kids received glowing results....Layne is getting tested for the gifted program and Kealie got a letter from the state that she is intellectually advanced. It felt so good....such proud moments for a mom....but all I could do those nights were cry, because he would have been SO PROUD of them. I can just heard his voice saying, "WONDERFUL!" (Anyone remember him saying that when he got good news?)

I am really proud of my mom as well. She is keeping busy for sure, all of her friends and family keep her hopping....but I worry about her, too. I wish I could do more. Sometimes I love that I am a career woman, I love my job and I love the hecticness of it all....but I hate the fact that I am restricted in my time.

I know this was just a hodgepodge of thoughts and random ramblings, but I felt I needed to get it out. Thanks also to those of you who still check in on me.....it means more than you know!

Father's Day

I went to the cemetery today to wish Dad a Happy Father's Day. I went with my Mom, Patty, and Patrick. I am having trouble even conveying into words the emotions I felt today.

I miss my Dad more than I can express. I've been finding comfort in a little brochure I picked up at church. It resounds some of my thoughts so clearly I pick it up to read it quite a few times in a day. One of the quotes that really catches me:

"Just below the surface of our adult facades, there is a little girl or a little boy that wants daddy's recognition or mommy's embrace more than anything else in this world."

That is exactly how I feel....when I think of Dad, I feel like a little girl again. I think of sitting on his lap on the porch and asking him questions about gravity. I remember asking him to make math problems for me in a notebook then beaming when he wrote "A+" at the top. I remember running home to him with my report card, and I remember his tears when I went away to college (all 20 minutes from home).

I knelt in front of his headstone today and I prayed, and I talked to him. I could probably have stayed there for quite some time. I think I'll go back and spend some time alone with him soon.

Right behind him are my Grandmother and Grandfather, my Mom's parents. I visited with them as well. I never knew my Grandfather, he died before I was born. I told my Mom that just about a month ago, they welcomed Dad with open arms and thanked him for taking such good care of her. I reminded her that they are all together now and in a happy place. She stated that even though we pray for them, we really should be asking them to pray for us because we are left on this world now and we need help to get to them when our time comes.

I'm trying to remember that losing my Dad is an event all children must face. I am trying to use it to better recognize those people in my life that I need, to be a better person, and to remember the lessons that Dad taught me along the way. I know I am better because of him, and I know that he is smiling with that hint of a smirk he always carried.

Every Father's Day when presented with his gift, his response was always, "save your money." He dedicated himself to making it better for all of us by going without himself. I took him a flag today and promised him that was his gift this year, along with my prayers.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know you're with family and friends that have passed along the way, and you are watching us and waiting. Another quote from my brochure states that the children who have lost parents, "now move to center stage to leave our mark on the world." Even though I don't feel ready, I know that you have given me the ability and strength to do just that. I'll always be your little girl, and I'll be looking up to you knowing you are there....just as you always have been.

Weekend

Everyone keeps telling me some days will be okay, and others will be tough. It hasn't quite been a month, and this weekend was difficult. Layne's 7th Birthday party was on Saturday, and I was cutting up vegetables, and all of a sudden, it hit me that Dad wouldn't be there. My Mom had a tough time as well, so I knew it was hitting all of us. Layne had a sleepover (the first one for him and his friends), so we were all very tired the next morning. :) I just kept thinking that everything is piling up that I want to tell Dad.

My mom is going to watch the kids Monday and Tuesday since they are done with school, so yesterday, the kids were at Jantzen's Mom and Dad's house, and I went to see my Mom. My sister and her family from Georgia left yesterday morning, so it was the first day my Mom was truly alone. I went to the house, and walking into the house with only her there was like pushing through a barrier. I felt stifled and the grief just washed over me again. Seeing Mom come to the door with tears in her eyes was one of the toughest moments for me so far. We sat down to have coffee and a slice of cake, and we just let it out. We both just cried and cried. I told her how much I never realized that when I called them, there were things I told her, and different things I told him. She told me that he always looked forward to my calls and liked talking to me.

We finished the thank yous and Patty came over and the three of us went to see Uncle Mickey. He is Dad's Uncle and he just turned 93. He lives alone and is just so funny....he had us laughing most of the time. I know he misses Dad. He has his prayer card on his table and a picture of Darlene, Patty, and I on the other. We brought him a picture of Dad and he put it right next to "his girls".

Back at moms, we continued the Thank-Yous and pretty much finished up. I had to go into the bedroom at one point, and I saw his watches on his nightstand. That choked me up. It was such a personal moment and I could feel him there with me.

It was little things, but all very emotional this weekend. I had trouble falling asleep I missed him so much. I know the days will get better, and I know he is at peace. I selfishly wish he was still here.

Departure

I was thinking a lot today about the moment my Dad passed away. My "second family" as I call them, were also present.....Ann, Emory, & Joey Papuga. I was thinking about how hard it must have been to be there when he passed. Besides being extremely emotional, seeing a person die is something that you will never forget. At the funeral home, Ann was telling me how it really shook her, and she told her sister, who I also call Aunt Rose, about it. Aunt Rose responded, "wasn't it just so beautiful?" I really have been thinking about that, and it truly was. To see him suffering, struggling to breathe, not Dad at all....then to be surrounded by his 3 daughters and wife and make the trip to heaven, was something I was so happy I was able to see. Even when his body was carried away, I watched. I thought it would be hard, but I knew it wasn't Dad anymore....that was just the body he used while he was here on this earth. Dad was already smiling and happy to be in the presence of his family, being Dad again. He never wanted to be a burden to us and escaping his earthly body once again gave him the freedom he once had.

Thinking about all of this gave me some thoughts to write. I'll never say I've had any formal writing training other than a couple English classes, but it just felt like it said what I've been thinking about Dad leaving this world and going to the next.

Departure

I watched you depart from this world today,
as I held onto your hand.
You took your last breath to head up above,
to stand before Jesus, the Savior of man.

I cannot begin to describe how I’ll miss
your everyday presence in my life.
Protector, father, advisor of all,
where family came first, daughters, grandchildren and wife.

The Lord above made a special place
for you, called you home with the rain.
Our hearts miss you dearly but our heads know,
you are smiling in heaven without any pain.

So dear Dad, today I tell you good-bye,
until one day I will hold you again.
When we saw you at peace we sent you home,
forever devoted husband, father, brother and friend.

Conversation

I haven't written much this week, getting back to work was a huge deal, and I have been exhausted. I didn't want to wait too long to return, because I knew there would be a lot of work waiting for me, and I also knew the longer I waited, the harder it would be. One thing that has been difficult is that my last conversation with my Dad was about a robbery we had in one of my stores. He told me that he hoped they caught the guy that did it, and in his own way, told me he was worried about me. I knew that he worried, although I always told him I could handle myself. :) It's hard to believe he and I had that conversation on Thursday, May 13th, the day before he started his seizures, and then he passed away that Monday, the 17th. At any rate, the police arrested the man charged with the robbery, and I'll never get to tell him. One of the last things he said to me was "I hope they catch him" followed by his usual, "Love you all." I responded, "I do too. Love you too, Dad." Then again, maybe it was Dad that helped them catch him. :)

Work

I had to return to work today, and I am physically and emotionally drained. As I was pulling up to my parent's house after work, I was thinking about something and how I couldn't wait to tell Dad....then I remembered, I couldn't. As I entered their home, I broke down. I wanted my Mom and I held onto her and sobbed. I feel bad that I had to lean on her like that when she is dealing with so much, but it was so difficult seeing people, and answering, "How are you?" while also trying to deal with catching up on a week and a half of stressful work. I know Mom understood and it was so comforting being with her for a few moments. As I said before, she is amazing.

I'll find myself getting caught up in something....a joke, a funny story, work, the kids, anything, and forget for a couple seconds that he's gone. Then I'll remember, and this pain washes over me that makes my chest hurt. I have experienced loss before, of many close family members, beginning when I was really young. I even lost a friend at 29 to cancer. None of that comes close to what I am feeling now, and I feel for anyone who has experienced this loss. The nurse warned me that in the weeks to come I'd have memories of caring for him, and it would wear me down. That happened a lot today, I'd think about certain things, and just cry. When I think about all my Mom did....at 74....I don't know how I'll ever be as strong as she is.

The cards, e-mails, and support has been amazing. I've gotten cards and there are words written inside that just amaze me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you who have been there at any step in this journey.

Rain

"Blessed are the dead the rain falls upon, blessed be the bride the sun shines upon."

The funeral director told us this yesterday as we got out of the limo. It had been raining off and on all day, but it was pouring when we reached the cemetery. He said he knew it was going to rain because we had such a special family and were such good people, we deserved to have it rain for him.

Father Nick did a beautiful service, his homily couldn't have described Dad any better. He remembered everything we had ever mentioned about Dad, down to his ongoing battle with the squirrels in the backyard, his practical jokes on the neighbors, and his love for his family.

There were 3 active duty Army men there, they saluted Dad and Mom and did a beautiful flag ceremony, and Taps was played. It was one of the most touching moments I've ever experienced. They presented Mom with the flag and saluted her when she left.

At the wake, which we had at the Thompson Club, Uncle Larry read something my cousin Doug had sent. He couldn't make it because he is from Seattle and his wife can't travel. Doug's tribute said it all perfectly, down to the fact that if there ever was a Slovak Leprechaun, it would have been Uncle Joe. :)

Happy got up and told some equally touching anecdotes...some funny, but all from the heart. For those of you who were there, "Uncle Jimmy" even got up and said something....cock a doodle doo? For those of you who weren't there, "Uncle Jimmy" was a funeral crasher and we have stories that are too long to tell here....let's just say it was appropriate that it happened at my Dad's wake.

It was a beautiful day, and I miss him so much.

Funeral

It is Saturday, and just about time to leave for Dad's funeral. It was so hard telling him good-bye last night. I was dreading 9 pm arriving because I knew it would be time to leave.

It is raining today, and I kept telling Dad during his last days that all the rain was God making room for him in heaven, since God needed lots of room. :) My dad was tiny, but such a presence. I think the rain is appropriate.

I have to make this one short but I want to once again thank everyone for their kind comments and all of their support. It means so much to my sisters and I, and especially my mom. She is amazing, and I couldn't have asked for two better parents.

Friday

I can't believe it is Friday already. We made it through Thursday. Jantzen and the kids waited outside while my mom and sisters, older grandkids, and his siblings went in to see him. I said my usual, "Hi Dad!" as I did everytime I called him or saw him.

Jantzen brought the kids in after the adults had time to adjust. They did well. They cried, but they had lots of distractions. I am proud of them. I know what it feels like to lose your grandparent at a young age and it is tough, but they handled themselves well. When they were getting their pajamas on last night, Layne had a prayer card in his pocket. He took it out and started to cry. He holds it all in then something strikes him and he needs to let it out.

Seeing him was like a wave of relief washed over me. In his last days, he wasn't Dad anymore....pale, struggling to breathe, feverish.....and now, he is Dad. He has just the hint of a smirk and he looks like he did before he was diagnosed. Paul at the funeral home couldn't have done a better job. It was such a good feeling to see him well again. My Aunt Eleanor saw me yesterday and told me "He's in a better place." After seeing him, I know that to be true.

The flowers were overwhelming. I know I keep using that work but I don't know what other word to use....even the funeral home commented on how many we received. Mom and Dad were so well liked....a true testament to them and their lives.

When we were leaving I told him good night and that I'd see him tomorrow.

Viewing

I am getting ready for the viewing. I am so happy I am going to get to see him but on the other hand I am dreading Saturday when I will never see him again. I miss him so much. I knew losing him was going to be hard, but I never imagined the grief I would be experiencing.

The support of family and friends has been overwhelming. Their support and generosity and giving of themselves has meant so much to all of us.

I find myself talking to him. I ran to the mall to pick up something for mom, and when I walked outside, it was sunny. I looked up and said, "Hi Dad. Are you taking care of things up there?" A passerby probably thought I was crazy but it is how I deal. I've been talking to him a lot since Monday.

I will see him in about 4 hours. I am so lucky to have so much support around me. Dad would be yelling at everyone for causing such a fuss. :)

First Day Without Him

This was my first day without my dad. It was one of the most difficult days of my life. We made the arrangements and pretty much kept busy all day, but the sense of grief is overwhelming. I have had sympathy for people who have lost their parents, but until I lost my dad, I never really knew the sense of loss. It really makes me feel for those who have lost a parent or both parents.

Trying to plan his viewing and funeral took a lot out of me. I've been trying to be so strong, and today I just couldn't. I think I cried the most today than I have this entire journey. It was a different type of cry than I have ever experienced. I know I was the baby of the family, and in some regards I was so lucky....I have nephews and a niece on my side who are all now just wonderful adults, and a new niece-in-law (is that a word?) and a great-niece that I will get to meet tomorrow. :) My sisters commented that I got to spend a "different" type of time with my dad than they did....but there are moments that I am jealous that they got more years in with him than I did. My kids won't remember him as much, and he won't get to see a lot of things I wanted him here for....Layne's First Communion next year, eventually their graduations, and all of those important times. I feel such a sense of extreme loss I just about don't know how to handle it at moments.

I have learned a lot about my dad and my entire family on this journey, and for that I am thankful. My dad and I may have had our differences, but he always put his family first. His primary care phyisican called the house today and I answered. "Lauren?" the voice on the other end said, "this is Dr. Beck." How he knew it was me I have no idea, because I never met the man. However, he stated, "I am calling to express my condolences to you and your entire family. Your father was a joy to have as a patient. He was always telling jokes and laughing and he had a positive attitude right until the end. It was a pleasure having hin as my patient."

I continue to be overwelmed at the blessings my parents have given this family....just by being who they are.

Arrangements

Joseph L. Vavrek
Viewing:
Thursday 5/20 6-9
Friday 5/21 2-4 and 6-9
Savolskis-Wasik-Glenn Funeral Home
3501 Main Street
Munhall, PA 15120-3260
(412) 462-2288

Funeral Mass:
St. Therese of Lisieux Roman Catholic Church
Saturday 5/22 9:30 am
3 Saint Therese Court
Munhall, PA 15120-3701
(412) 462-8161

Plans

The hospice nurse and pronounced him at 9:08 pm so that is the official time of death. Heather, the nurse was so sweet and stayed the entire time. Then the funeral home directors came and we talked tentative plans and then they took his body away. We said that wasn't really him and that was just his body and he was already watching us from above.

We are going to Savolskis Funeral Home in Munhall, PA and then to St. Therese of Lisieux in Munhall as well for the funeral. We are hoping to have the wake at the Thompson Club, but we are waiting for a return call tomorrow morning.

We think we are going to have the viewing Thursday and Friday and the funeral Saturday. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks again for all of prayers and thoughts...it means so much.

God's Plan

My dad passed today, about 7:44 pm. He waited until we were all here, and he went to peacefully. His breathing slowed down, and he took his last breath while I was holding his hand. We were all here. We love him so much. It rained today, God had to make room in heaven for him, because God will have his hand's full. :) My dad was always worried about everyone else, even until the end. We love you.

Dog Tags

We were going through his Army papers, and when we were finished, we didn't know his dog tags were in there, and they fell out. My mom, Patty and I just cried and cried. It was very emotional to see them.

The nurse was here and he installed a catheter. The nurse said his bladder is full and he will be more comfortable this way. Anything to make him more comfortable is better.

Last night, I called home and Kealie answered and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that daddy told her about grandpap. Yesterday, Layne had a Cub Scout picnic from 3-7 pm and afterwards, the three of them went to Giant Eagle. Well, Kealie saw the flowers and said she wanted to buy flowers for Grandpap. Jantzen let her buy them, but when she kept asking why she couldn't take them to him, he told her about his state. So, Kealie was very upset and asked if he could move anything....she went through all the body parts....arms, legs, hands, etc. etc. Then when her and I were talking, she said she wanted to tell him something. I had to tell her that she could talk to him, but he wasn't going to talk back. Whatever she had to tell him, she did, then she felt better. When I got back on she was more relaxed.

I e-mailed their teachers this morning and their principal so they were aware, because Jantzen said Kealie was again worked up this morning.

I'm going to try and stop home tonight and try and see them for a little bit.

Another day...

We made it through the night to another day. The atropine was restarted as he was still having gurgling in his chest. There was an issue with his last dexamethasone dose, so the nurse said to skip the dose last night. That is the biggest amount that he gets, 2 mL, and he choked on it yesterday. Darlene and I were with him, and it was awful seeing him go through that. It shook me to the core. She said to wait until the nurse gets here this morning to give it, but he was due again and being it was 2 hours later, I decided to give it, very slowly. It worked much better this time.

We had another issue overnight when we tried to move him and he choked again. Right now he is lying sort of to the right side, but he must be comfortable that way, because he didn't like being moved.

Now, the nurse said he may not make it to the morning, but he did make it through to another day. I knew that he was a fighter and wouldn't go right away, and last longer than usual, as expected. He is stubborn that way. :)

Pictures

The nurse was here, and we discontinued the atropine, as it wasn't really helping with his secretions anyway. That was given every hour, so she said it will take some of the pressure off of us in that regard. We did up his morphine to keep him comfortable.

When Chris, the nurse, walked in, she looked at me and said, "you have bags under your eyes, were you up all night? You need to get some rest." Then she asked if I was the baby, and I said yes. Darlene, Patty, my mom and Chris were all gathered around my dad. Chris asked if I was spoiled and Darlene and Patty both responded with a resounding "YES!" I laughed, because I never thought that I was but they seem to think I was. :) They talked about how much he bragged about me and always introduced me as "Dr. Lauren." We talked about how much he loved his girls and had his space downstairs in his basement. We talked about his 7 grandchildren and his 1 great-granddaughter. We again commented how he gets a free pass into heaven for raising 3 girls.

The nurse said he'd probably pass by tomorrow morning. His color is starting to change and the fluid is starting to move into his lungs. She told us how her sister in law died at 35 from melanoma. Everyone thinks it is "just skin cancer"....but it is one of the deadliest cancers, because once it hits other organs, there is very little that can be done.

Patrick showed me some pictures he has of my dad and we laughed and we cried. He doesn't want to be this way, he wants to go with dignity. It is time for him to finally rest after a long, hard battle. He will be with his mom and dad again, who I know he misses, and someday we will all be together again.

Nurse

Thank God for the hospice nurses. I had to call last night because we couldn't get his fever down. We luckily were able to double his dose of the naproxen and we got it down to 101.5.

He's on morphine now about every 4 hours, but he is now not awake. So for the last dose, (we can give it every 4-6 hours) we decided to wait, but after I have him his phenytoin suppository he did wake up for a minute and seemed agitated, so I gave him another dose. He is such a fighter. I am worried about those who haven't seen him from last night to today, though. He was pretty much "asleep" most of the night, and is unresponsive now. His breathing is still very gurgled, and at times it stops for a few seconds.

Fever

I have some moments until I need to recheck his temperature so I didn't know what to do other than update. He is completely out of it now, which is probably a blessing. He's had 2 doses of morphine and I just pray he isn't in any pain.

We can't seem to get his fever down....it is up to 104.3 last check. The pharmacy delivered naproxen cream earlier when I was out and Patty applied it to his wrists. That seemed like it was getting the fever down a bit, but the nurse said to go ahead and give up to 2 more Tylenol doses if needed. We gave one, and I just inserted the second. He was 104.3 before the Tylenol so I hope it helps some. I'm going to wait a few minutes and see.

We slept from 10:30 to 11:30, up for meds, 11:30 to 12:30, up for more, and I feel guilty for being tired. My mother hasn't been to bed since she woke up Friday morning. We can't convince her to do so, and I don't know that I can blame her, although I worry about her too. In reality, she's probably the strongest of us all.

Time

When the hospice nurse visited today, she told us to expect maybe 1-2 more days. As much as I hate to think about him no longer being here, it is awful seeing him this way. He is so unhappy and he never wanted this. He never wanted to be in a hospital bed with no way to take care of himself. He was a perfectionist that wanted everything done his way.

His medications are atropine (to decrease secretions), lorazepam (for anxiety/seizures), acetaminophen (for his fever), naproxen (for pain/fever), dexamethasone (for swelling), phenytoin (for seizures), scopolamine (for fever) and he just received his first dose of morphine. I left for a bit to get a change of clothes and wish Jantzen a Happy Anniversary. It is our 11th Anniversary today. I remember dancing the Father-Daughter dance with him to "Through the Years"...he may have been difficult to deal with, but he always cared about his family and did without so we could have more. When I returned, he was very agitated and we couldn't tell what was really bothering him. After we tended to him, we noticed his toes/feet seemed to be cramping up. I called the hospice nurse and she instructed me to give him a dose of morphine and call if that doesn't seem to calm him. I'm also going to give him a higher lorazepam dosage when he is due next. He is allowed a range and has been okay on the lower dose but I think it is time to up it.

I know time is running out. There are moments I am calm and other moments I feel like a child....I feel like I've been cheated out of some time. I know some people consider him "of age" to be ready to go...and no one is going to say "he was young", but he was so healthy before all of this, he put a lot of people half his age to shame.

Changes

As we all know, life can change in an instant. Our lives changed in July of 2009 when dad was diagnosed. Our lives changed again yesterday, May 14th. I was at a golf outing for University of Pittsburgh School of Pharmacy. My work phone is not working, so I was using my other cell phone to periodically check messages. Patty left me a message that basically said, "call me as soon as you get this." I called her back and she told me dad was unresponsive. I was on the hole furthest from the clubhouse, so luckily a co-worker was nice enough to drive me back to my car.

I drove straight to the house and mom and Patty and Tom were already there. He was in his usual chair but was having seizures and could not communicate. The seizures were very instense, lasting about 45 seconds at a rate of 3-4 per hour. His head would turn to the side and his face would turn purple, his entire body would go rigid, and he would seize for what seemed like forever. Earlier that morning, my mom found him trying to get dressed, and he was stopped midway with his mouth going like he was trying to say something. Mom managed to get him to the chair with his pajama top still on and in his pants.

When the hospice nurse arrived, she got orders to open the emergency medicine kit in the fridge. She administered Ativan to help calm down his Central Nervous System. He felt really warm so we took his temperature and it was up to 103, so she adminstered a rectal suppository. He reached 104.2 at one point, but luckily we have been able to keep it down to about 101 with suppositories, ice packs, and cool cloths, 100.7 was the lowest over the past 24 hours.

The nurse wanted to get him into a nursing unit...but that wasn't what he wanted. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go, but he couldn't tell me. He would follow people with his eyes, and a couple times I asked him to stick his tongue out or blink which he did, but it didn't happen too much. We know from his earlier wishes that he wanted to stay at home, so we ordered a bed and had it set up in the living room. Father Nick also came and we prayed and cried, and I know my dad knew who he was because his eyes got really big and he was responding in his own way.

He did manage to mumble, "uh-huh" or sort of grunt when someone was around and talked to him, so that was encouraging that he was still responsive.

More to come, but I can't type much more right now. Darlene, Ron, Joey, and Erica drove all night and arrived early this morning and he was able to look to the side although not respond much. He knows they are here. I know he never wanted to be this way, and I am not ready to lose him, but most of him is already gone. I just want him to be in a place where he can cut grass again and see all those that he loved that he lost. I don't want to wish the moments away but he is so frustrated and so unhappy. He has shed a couple tears when I talk to him and I know he knows what is happening but he is stuck in his own body and can't get out.

Mother's Day

I know I titled this post, "Mother's Day", but I will get to that in a minute. I was looking back, and this is from Christmas, 2008. It is hard to believe that a few short months after this is when he started having the "ache" in his side which we would eventually learn was melanoma.

On Mother's Day, we of course went to visit. My dad was in the chair in the living room, with a sweater on. Not a sweater you'd wear out to church or something, but a Mr. Rogers sweater. I've never seen him wear anything like it before. He didn't get up out of the chair one time while we were there. The worst part is, I have been experiencing awful, tremendous guilt over the fact that Kealie and Layne did not hug him good-bye. I can't get past it, and I know that they are kids....and they grandpa they knew is no longer there. He used to be such a presence in the house for being such a small person! You always knew where he was, and he never hesitated to tell his opinion. Yet, he was in this chair, and didn't say much. He watched a video Layne made for me for Mother's Day, and I watched him smile while he was watching, but he didn't say much.

Kealie asked, "what is that big thing over there?" The thing being his oxygen tank. She seemed stasfied with the answer, but it really makes me realize how much he is just different for them. In reading over the hospice materials, I know it says not to treat that person as if they are just "there"....but after a lifetime of knowing one person, now he is someone else, how are two young children supposed to understand that? It tears at my heart though, that I didn't take a minute and ask them to hug him goodbye. I don't know what I was thinking, other than I struggled with leaving that day. I may be a mom now myself, but I don't know what I'll do when I don't have my dad.

My mom called after reading my blog, and she told me I got one thing wrong. She told me she is not a saint. I told her she was. She of course, stated, "My mother was a saint. I am not." Her brother, my Uncle Len, e-mailed me and agreed with my saint statement. I told my mom, "you are what others believe you are." She is one of the kindest, nicest, caring people I know....and what they are going through is beyong my comprehension. So yes, mom, you are a saint....and dad is lucky to have you....and you him. Happy Mother's Day, I love you both.

Phone

Yesterday, I worked pretty late. It is appraisal time at work and I have to go over the annual review with each of my pharmacy managers. Well, due to some scheduling issues, I had to rearrange some times yesterday, which left me about an hour in the late afternoon before anyone came in.

I have a company vehicle, and it accumulates all my work stuff in my trunk. So during this hour, I took out all of the paperwork I no longer needed. I also have a phone in my trunk.....one of those old, heavy, rotary dial phones.

Awhile ago, my dad gave it to me. He said since we had cordless, it was always good to have a regular phone in the house. Plus, he thought Kealie might enjoy playing with it. :) Well, it has been in my trunk because it is so heavy and old. When I saw it yesterday, it reminded me of when my grandfather passed away. My dad had one of my grandfather's phones and he wouldn't get rid of it because it had belonged to his father. I felt the same emotion yesterday. It is still in my trunk. I don't know if I'll be able to get rid of it.

I walked back inside to work and my friend Jodi was leaving for the day. She said bye, and as I said bye my voice cracked.....she knew something was wrong, and turned right back around. I don't know why, but that phone triggered such a strong emotion for me, I just cried and cried.

My mom used to tell me that you cry in order to make room for more. Your body can only handle so much, so you cry to let it out and enable your body and mind to prepare for more. Pretty smart, that mom of mine.

My sister Patty texted me last evening that her and Tom took him fish tails (not REAL fish tails) for dinner and he ate them AND enjoyed watching the hockey game. So he had a good day yesterday, and that is good to hear. :)

For anyone reading, thank you for your kind comments and thoughts and prayers. I was hesitant to share this because I use writing as a way to express my emotions, but at the same time, there are days where I want people to know what is happening, so I thought a central place for updates may be best.

If nothing else, if this gets someone out of the tanning bed or into some SPF, then I will be happy. :)

Hospice

This is Dad on Easter with the kids. He was having a very good day this day. A lot has changed since then.

We started hospice this week for my dad. He is down to 120 pounds. We were in touch with Forbes Hospice last week to begin home care that would transition into hospice care once that became necessary. The nice thing about Forbes Hospice is that the same nurses do palliative care then also transition into hospice care so we can become comfortable with the same set of nurses until the end.

When the nurses came for the initial visit, they decided we would skip the palliative care and move right to hospice. He is so weak and so tired. They stopped his blood pressure medication (and in reality, his other maintenance meds could be stopped too, but if it is "mentally" a challenge for him to stop them, we're going to keep him taking them. No harm, no foul).

Hearing that we have brought in hospice has been difficult for me. At times I want to cry and at times I want to just not talk about it. Times I wish people would ask me how I'm doing, how he's doing, how my family is, and other times I want to just continue on with my day and block it all out. Today was one of those days I had no desire to call or text anyone about anything.

I called my dad on my way home today and he was a bit confused.....he told me that "Patrick and some friend of his came over to help with some stuff".....we have know Doug, Patrick's friend, for many years now, yet my dad didn't seem to know who he was. He also wasn't sure what "stuff" was going on.....and if anyone knows my dad, they know he KNOWS what goes on in his house. :) He also started on oxygen today.....he said they gave him a big tank and also two smaller ones in case he wants to go anywhere........I didn't have the heart to tell him he's not going anywhere.

I then talked to my mom, who told me she is giving him showers and she gets soaked so after she gets him dried and settled she showers herself, which is why he answered the phone. She is a saint. After 53 years of marriage, to face being alone is unimaginable to me. The social worker from hospice took her aside the other day and asked how SHE was doing. She said she was handling all of it, and is prepared for him to die, but broke down when she said, "I don't know what I'll do without him." I cry every time I think of it.

I miss him already. I was at Duquesne University today where I graduated from pharmacy school and all I could think about was how proud he was of me when I got accepted....and then graduated. He's the reason I became a pharmacist and was so driven to do well in school. He always used to tell me, "I don't know how a man as dumb as I am had a daughter that is so smart." He never gave himself enough credit. We came from a blue collar community and he took care of his family the best way he knew how, which was pretty damn good.

Since he couldn't make the talent show or Kealie's string concert recently, we took her violin over last night and she did a show for him. He was smiling and enjoyed the show. I was proud of her. She is having a bit of trouble in school lately because of all of this, they are very close. He calls her, "my little sweetie pie." Really? That is my dad saying that? Being a grandfather changes you I suppose. :)

I never thought I'd see the day.

When we realized you'd be taken away.

You held my hand, you stroked my hair.

You were the one that believed.

I am who I am because of you....

because of your beliefs, you ideas, and your commitment to me.

You made me a strong woman.

You gave me strength to believe in myself.

You are a man who is afraid of getting into heaven....

Raising three daughters gives you entrance.

Raising grandchildren gives you a straight pass.

I say how stubborn you are, and a friend's response shows I get it from you.

I say how much you love your family, and a friend's response shows I get it from you.

I was always your little girl....and I always will be. Cancer will not take that from us.

I love you Daddy.

Father Nick

I was off yesterday, so I went to my parent's house. I took strawberries and fruit dip over. My dad is craving fruit lately, and as long as he is eating, we are happy. He is still losing weight so anything he will eat is fine.

He was sitting in the chair when I got there with his feet up and was very tired. We did his Living Will, Advanced Directives, and Power of Attorney. It was mentally exhausting for myself, my mother, and my dad. He has always had very neat penmanship, but it took him forever to sign his name and initial. I am just glad that we were able to discuss everything while he was still able to do so. My mom (and myself) had trouble with his wishes, but we want to do what he wants. He decided against any type of further care...no CPR, no IVs, no antibiotics, no tube feeds, no nothing. He knows now the battle is over, and we are hoping for the easiest transition possible from life to death.

Father Nick, their priest, came over while I was there. As soon as he entered the house, I broke down into sobs. It was the first time I broke down in front of my parents. My mom and I went outside so my father could talk to Father Nick alone. We held each other and cried and cried. My mom kept saying, "he was a good man, he was a good man...he took care of his family and he cared about all of us....he would do anything for us....he was a good man....".

Father Nick came and got us and said my dad wanted us all inside. He received Anointing of the Sick and then we all held hands and prayed and received communion. I was so happy that Father Nick could come over for us, but it was so difficult, I'm guessing because of the symbolism it carried for me.

Chemotherapy

My dad continued after his surgery and consultation with the doctor really well for a few months. He had healed exceptionally well from his major abdominal surgery, was slim again from having those masses removed, and claimed he never felt better. He said he would look in the mirror and couldn't believe he saw an "old man" looking back at him because he felt like he was 35. My dad had always exercised and continued to do so as soon as he was allowed after surgery.

Unfortunately, that didn't last long. He began to get tired and had occassional bouts of nausea. When we returned to the oncologist, we decided to start chemotherapy. He was to get DTIC, or dacarbazine. He was warned this may make him tired, nauseous, and was told he'd probably lose his hair. He decided to go get his hair buzzed off to prepare....which I thought was very brave of him! However, DTIC is only effective in about 15% of cases with internal melanoma. Internal melanoma is very deadly and there isn't much hope of survival, the average survival from diagnosis is only 7 months. He decided that he felt too good, however, to not give it a try. So, he did chemo and proceeded with absolutely no side effects. The bad news, is that he was not in the 15% that responded to DTIC. On his scan, the tumors spread, and were now in more organs including the lungs and omentum.

The Hospital Continued...

To continue back to July of 2009, after my father found out he had cancer, he had a very rough day the next day in the hospital. He was sore from surgery and I feel he was just mentally exhausted. His catheter was bothering him, but he would only talk to me about his problems. My mom and sister and I were all there, but he for some reason felt better telling me things when they weren't there. So, I spent some time alone with him and just watched the news or took care of what he needed.

Dr. Cline was optimistic that we could fight this cancer. He introduced us to Dr. Jalil, the oncologist. Dr. Jalil met with us and said we would wait until the biopsy returned to determine the next course of treatment.

Since my dad had major abdominal surgery, and now his entire internal abdomen needed to reshift due to the removal of those 2 cantaloupe sized tumors, he was going to be in the hospital longer than we had anticipated. We would wait for the results and see what we needed to do next.

Considering the surgery my dad went through and also the mental battle of knowing he had cancer, he did so amazing recovering from the surgery. He was home and back on his feet before anyone could believe it. We had received the devistating news that his cancer was melanoma. The oncologist/surgeon could not find an initial point where it had started on his body.

We had our meeting with the oncologist who decided that my dad was healing so well from the surgery, and was still functional and feeling well, that we would not undergo any chemo until he started showing symptoms. Since this was a terminal diagnosis, Dr. Jalil decided we shouldn't put him through the trials of chemotherapy when chemo wasn't guaranteed to work plus he may have side effects. We all agreed and we wanted to enjoy the good time we had left, and he only had 2 small spots in his adrenal gland and 1 small spot in his liver at this point.

Radiation starts

I need to continue the story of my dad's beginning, but I wanted to type about today. After spending most of last week in the hospital and discovering the cancer has spread to his brain, my dad started radiation treatment on his brain today. The hope is to shrink some of the tumors in his brain. We know we cannot get rid of them, and the oncologist says this is short term, but this is where we are. Unfortunately, the dexamethasone he is on (it is a steroid) is causing him to have uncomfortable hiccups, so after his radiation treatment I stopped by his oncologist's office. There might not be anything they can do to save my dad, but at least he needs to be comfortable, and as harmless as hiccups are, they are really bothering him. So, they gave him baclofen, and I think just knowing there was "something" he could do make him perk up a bit.

After the treatment, my parents went home and I stopped at Rite Aid to get his rx filled. I went back to their house and we ate a late lunch. My dad ate really well and even wanted some dessert, so that was great.

After we ate, he discussed what items he wanted to give to which grandchildren. He made me and my mom promise the right grandkids would get the right things. I had to leave them then since I am on vacation this week and I needed to pick the kids up from school. As I was ready to leave, he asked me to help him prepare his Living Will. I am going to go back over this week to do that with him.

Please, wear sunscreen.....no tanning beds.....wear your natural glow!

Cyst on Spleen

About 1 year ago was when my father first started having symptoms. He was noticing this "ache" in his abdominal area. He at first contributed it to getting old. He was 76 at the time, and didn't think too much of it. The ache remained, until finally one weekend it was so painful, he went to the doctor on Monday. His primary care physician sent him for a scan, which returned with results of a very large cyst on his spleen. In July of 2009, he met with a physician for removal of this cyst. Furture scans revealed issues with his gallbladder as well, so the decision was made to have two laproscopic incisions, one on both sides, to remove his spleen and his gall bladder. The surgeon, Dr. Cline, would drain the cyst first in order to remove it laproscopically. Due to the fact that he would be losing his spleen, he had to then go for a series of vaccinations to protect him since his immunity would now be lowered.

My mom, sister Patty, and I went to Jefferson Hospital with him the morning of his surgery. At this point, we figured it would be pretty routine. I was concerned for him because of his age, and the fact that he had never been in the hospital before for anything extensive in his life. That is great for a 76 year old, but it didn't stop me from worrying.

We were told the surgery would be about 2 hours or so, and we could watch his progress through his moves from surgery to recovery. When I first saw his name on the screen, I got very worried. I felt that something was going to go wrong, that the surgery wouldn't be routine. About 2 hours into the surgery, Dr. Cline called to the desk to let us know that they were "taking their time." I knew the news we would receive would be different than what we expected.

Eventually, my mother, sister and I were asked to enter the consultation room. I tried to remain calm but I knew this meant bad news. My mom sat down on the couch and when Dr. Cline entered, he had blood all over his scrubs. At this point I suspected my dad had complications and I just hoped he had made it through. Dr. Cline then told us that he began with the gallbladder and it came out laproscopically just fine. However, after he removed the cyst, (which was the size of a cantaloupe), he noticed a tumor also the size of a cantaloupe. Dr. Cline then had to cut open my dad in order to remove the tumor.

My mom and sister were crying, and I was trying to stay strong for them, but the tears came out for me too. We all couldn't believe that my dad, about 5 foot tall and 145 pounds, was carrying around 2 cantaloupe sized masses in his abdomen. No wonder he was having "aches!" Dr. Cline stated the body works in mysterious ways, and the cyst was his body's way of "alerting" him that there was a problem.

After my dad went through recovery, we had to figure out how to notify him of this news. The first hurdle would be getting him healed through this. He had major abdominal surgery and his insides had to now shift all around to fill up the vacant area left from the removal of the tumor and the cyst. (Also to note, at this point, we didn't know what type of tumor this was.) We needed him to stay upbeat so he would heal, then we could focus on the cancer.

While he was in recovery, I had to call my sister, uncle, and various other relatives that were waiting to hear how he did. I made all of the phone calls because my mom and sister were too upset. I have to admit, it was a difficult experience for me, but I felt I needed to be strong as I could for them. My mom gave me her phone and I made the calls. Telling my Uncle Larry was the hardest, because he got emotional and I did, too. But then the calls were made, and we needed to figure out how to tell my dad they found cancer. I thought it would be best coming from me, because my dad feels I know so much because of my degree. He introduces me to everyone as "Dr. Lauren" and he has me signed off on all of his medical forms to make all of his decisions. I didn't want him to hear the news from a nurse or a doctor.

When my dad was preparing for surgery, he kept asking me if the cyst was cancer. I kept telling him that it was not....that he didn't have cancer. Maybe it was him just knowing his body, but he seemed to feel that he did. I chalked it up to him not understanding that the body can produce masses that aren't necessarily cancer, but it turns out he knew better than the rest of us.

My dad was now in his room, and he asked how it went. My mom and my sister both said hi to him and then walked away. I went over and held his hand, and I told him that his gallbladder came out fine. I told him that when Dr. Cline went to remove the cyst and his spleen, they found a "mass" in his abdomen and had to remove that too. His eyes widened and he asked if that meant he had cancer. I told him yes that it did, and that we would figure it out, and the most important thing is that he healed from the surgery. While he was too tired to argue, I could tell he was struggling with it. He was doing amazingly well on that first evening from surgery, so all I could hope was that he continue to heal and keep his mind clear so this process went well.

I'll continue more later....

Finally - time to start this blog!

My father was diagnosed with internal melanoma in July, 2009. I have considered starting a blog for quite some time, but it seemed that all I had to report was bad news. We realized from the beginning that the fight would be tough....but all we wanted was one piece of something to keep our hopes up. Today, we received a call from Hillman Cancer Center that really lifted my parent's spirits and helped us get through another day. I decided this would be the day to start the blog, and recognize the journey and battle my father is going through.