Work

I had to return to work today, and I am physically and emotionally drained. As I was pulling up to my parent's house after work, I was thinking about something and how I couldn't wait to tell Dad....then I remembered, I couldn't. As I entered their home, I broke down. I wanted my Mom and I held onto her and sobbed. I feel bad that I had to lean on her like that when she is dealing with so much, but it was so difficult seeing people, and answering, "How are you?" while also trying to deal with catching up on a week and a half of stressful work. I know Mom understood and it was so comforting being with her for a few moments. As I said before, she is amazing.

I'll find myself getting caught up in something....a joke, a funny story, work, the kids, anything, and forget for a couple seconds that he's gone. Then I'll remember, and this pain washes over me that makes my chest hurt. I have experienced loss before, of many close family members, beginning when I was really young. I even lost a friend at 29 to cancer. None of that comes close to what I am feeling now, and I feel for anyone who has experienced this loss. The nurse warned me that in the weeks to come I'd have memories of caring for him, and it would wear me down. That happened a lot today, I'd think about certain things, and just cry. When I think about all my Mom did....at 74....I don't know how I'll ever be as strong as she is.

The cards, e-mails, and support has been amazing. I've gotten cards and there are words written inside that just amaze me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to all of you who have been there at any step in this journey.